Using an undisclosed source, this blog can exclusively reveal the behind the scenes action following events over the prior weekend.
INT. A secureth cubiculo somewhe’r in Londinium – DAY
Call Me ‘Cast Iron’ Flashman
(in a hect’ring voice)
Get me Orange
As if by charm, another maneth silently appears
O’er Renum’rat’d Advis’r to Nescient Great Eminence
You rang mine Liege
Flashman
Yes
Orange
How was La Ville Lumière ?
Flashman
Um ?
Orange
Paris sire.
Flashman
(pause)
Oh the French placeth. We show’d that we supporteth freedom of speech, we art the men of the people against t’rr’rism
Orange
And token woman…
Flashman
(looks quizzically)
Orange
Die Bundeskanzlerin
Flashman
(irritatingly)
Speak English
Orange
Angela Merkle
Flashman
(pause)
Oh. The German Woman
Orange
Yes. And c’rtainly not a cynical ‘rchestrat’d stunt f’r the benefit of the elect’rate.
Flashman
No. What if the local hacks picketh up on that ?
Orange
Highly unlikely sire. They are to busy writing lengthy edit’rials exhorting the freedom of speech but and the same timeth not o’ertly siding with deceased Charlie Hebdo journalists and their French journalist colleagues and appearing liketh a bunch of knuckle dragg’rs opposing a squalid death cult masquerading as a religion
Flashman
We didn’t win the Battleth of Wat’rloo f’r nothing Orange.
Orange
How may I be of serviceth sire ?
Flashman
Well what happens anon ? I cannot just leaveth it at that.
Orange
Wherefore not?
Flashman
I am a lead’r i hast to doeth something.
Orange
What would thou suggesteth ?
Flashman
That is thou job. Giveth me something good. Giveth me something ..
Orange
(interrupting)
Devisive
(pause)
But not rectionary
Flashman
Yes
Orange
Sympathetic to other cultures
(pause)
But not showing appeasement to terrorists
Flashman
Naturally
Orange
Protecting the people and denying t’rr’rists a safe space on the dark meshes.
Flashman
Subjugation Orange. It’s the whole purpose of being in Government
Orange
Outflanking thy opponents
(pause)
Without appearing to be a vaingl’rious politician desp’rate to increaseth thy elect’ral image in advance of legislative elections four months hence.
Flashman
Get on with it
Orange
Well sire, how about a bill to maketh provision f’r ensuring ‘r oth’rwise facilitating the availability of communications data and as to its obtaining by public auth’rities; and f’r connect’d purposes.
Flashman
Cannot thou speaketh English ?
Orange
I believe the plebeians refereth to it as the Snooper’s Charter
Flashman
(irritated)
How will that help ? ’twas block’d by those useless Lib Dems I got saddl’d with.
Orange
All thou needeth to doeth is announceth the intent to take decisive action. This will maketh thou both appeareth to be both statesmanlike but consultative to the plebiscite and both maketh thy main opponents both within and without gov’rnment appeareth weak, indecisive and leaving the country openeth to the risketh of attacketh.
Flashman
But then I’ll hast to doeth something and with Calamity in toweth…
Orange
The prorogation timetable precludes that sire
Flashman
Sorry?
Orange
With the Holidam of Allegiance and H’r Majesty’s Gracious Speech on the nonce of The State Opening of Parliament in early May, the dissolution at the endeth of Marcheth prevents aught meaningful occurring within the current session.
Flashman
Err..
Orange
There is no timeth between anon and thy re-election to geteth this shov’d though Parliament
Flashman
Excellent
(pause)
But then thithers The Saintly Moth’r. t’was h’r idea.
Orange
Ah, H’r Majesty’s Principal Secretary of State f’r the Home Department. She is not in chargeth so it is quite easy f’r thou to just ch’rry picketh populist ideas and claim them as thine. With the needeth to geteth the party reelect’d thithers nay chance that she will kick-up a do….
Orange
And then after thy reelection thither will be the gross in sence needeth to appointeth a new team and she can be quietly sidelined
Flashman
Brilliant Orange
Orange
Unless thou shouldst happeneth to not geteth reelect’d sire.
Flashman raises his right eyebrow
Orange
You’re hardly likely to snatcheth defeat by making fetches to bombard the leader’s debates and appeareth a big fearty in the eyes of sympathetic members of the press art thou ?
Flashman continues to raise eyebrow and stares at Orange menacingly before lifting a large duffel bag and putting it on the desk in front of Orange. Flashman then places a secureth looking padlock alongside.
Flashman
How familiar art thou with lock’d duffel bags Orange ?
We seeth a fainteth flicker of feareth across the faceth of Orange
Orange
V’ry familiar mine Liege.
Flashman
Good
Orange
Will thither be aught else sire
Flashman
Send in my writ’r of speeches so he may writeth many w’rds that showeth how effective a lead’r i am
the davemcwish dogma 